naekole

#410.

2011-02-01T17:07:00.002+08:00

1, 2, 3, 4, Pills that plant me to the floor.
by : naekole

Disregarding the words of others, I have felt this vast emptiness in my void of a life.
I feel this, stupidity, anger, hatred and self mutilation, and I feel I still can take a whole step further.
I stopped writing for almost a month, because I feel that I could do without.

Insanity strikes and I am no longer in control of anything.

Not trying to be master control, just trying to have a grasp on something.

Am I really in love?
Am I really in doubt?
Am I really lusting?
What is all this about?

I want to feel loved, and wishing to find it in someone that I barely know.

I want adventure, I want mystery,
I want something lost within me,
Blast, and find this fucking treasure,
And there lies await sexual pleasure.

Ah!, but enough is enough, the pills are kicking in.
Am tired of writing down all my fucking sin.

Rhyming is a gift, they say, they tell, they jest,
But it is just a way to get this shit out of my chest.

Bah, but enough is enough, again, the pills are taking a toll,
I wonder what mysterious wonderland is about to unfold.

I am eager, I can't wait, bring it on, oh strange mysterious pill,
Take me fucking far away, take me if you will.

Now pop and extra two, and sew those dead blood eyes shut,
And churn away, those drugs and alcohol deep inside your gut.

Now suffocate and foam, dream away mysterious child,
Walk into the forest of dreams, and the world fucking wild.

Now, no more slumbers for this lost, fucked up little girl,
And welcome to the drugged up wonderland of a world.

goodnight.

xx

2011-01-09T03:00:00.000+08:00

There is no turning back.

I have gone this far, this distance, is where i will strive my hardest.
i wake up, naked and stripped from every single bit of dignity.
all self confidence sucked dry, and all belief slashed off.

all promises gone, and i've given up.

the world has judged me for everything that i may or may not be, but i am still standing here to prove to you, i am alive.
i try everyday to blame myself, and not you, because i gave every one of you shit heads the benefit of the doubt. cause i loved you.

i was wrong.

guess what?

fuck ALL of you.

xx

2011-01-07T05:08:00.003+08:00

there is a firefly in my room.
it flies around so freely.

envious of its beauty, its freedom.
i cry at night and wonder, if it were you.

i wonder if it were you, floating around in the air.
disguised as something so beautiful, lighting the way.
you gave light to my way, my life, my future.

the firefly fell and died tonight.
the light goes dark today.

please dont light out and die on me.
please.

just give me one more day?

i miss you.
xx

2011-01-07T05:01:00.002+08:00

i thought you promised.
we would grow old together?
i thought you promised.
you would hold on?
i thought you promised.
you would forever make me smile?
i thought you promised.
you would stay for a while?
i thought you promised.
you would never give up?
i thought you promised.
we would be happy?
i thought you promised.
that you love me?
i thought you promised.

to save me?

why.
did.
you.
let.
go.

xx

2011-01-03T15:32:00.004+08:00

Cause I Almost Died Inside.
by : naekole

I had nearly given up writing, my only source of sanity, for the sake of those who watch and breathe my every move.
I've read tons of blogs, seen tons of writers, and all of them seemed so, flawed, so, disguised.

in reality, nobody wants to read an emo air head.
nobody wants to hear the rants of the broken heart, the cries of a suicidal maniac, and the screams of the mute.
they want the juicer pieces of life, they want the tasty sweat and tears of a high end princess/prince with the life that you fucking wish you had.

but that is never the case.

the happy isnt always the happiest, and sad isnt always the saddest i've seen.

im no writer, in fact, i rarely choose what i say.
i rarely filter them, and sugar coat them with ribbons and sprinkles.
im a hypocrite, a verbal diarrhea, spiraling into this wave of food poisoning.

i splurge the words of venom and hate, because i sincerely hate those who think life is ruined because of something so small and insignificant, like a strand of hair in their soup.

life is an obstacle, and the journey is fucking rough.

i nearly reached a dead end last night.

i called a suicide hotline...several suicide hotlines.

i begged for help.

i cried for help.

i spoke to them, and i realized, am i just like what i hate?
am i really making a big deal out of nothing?

i conclude, im not.
im just a stubborn ass who refuses to get help until its too late.

too many cuts have cried rivers of red.
i end this tonight.
xx

# For Shalini.

2010-12-09T04:37:00.003+08:00

To Shalini, Because You Love This Post.

I shall end my blogging, with this piece.
Enjoy, love.

Sometimes, people lie, they promise you forever.

But the amazing thing about that lie, you realize what you really want in life.

And because of that lie, you find, the true person you wanna spend forever with.

I now know, that you can never really experience love, without sadness.

And I have experienced sadness, to know, what I love.

Some people rather not risk the hurt, the sadness, the pain, to love.

But that's the beauty of love.

Love makes you feel emotions and pain that you can experience no other way.

Love makes you miss, want, yearn, obsess, and need the person.

At the same time, it makes you cry, hurt, agonize and hate the person.

Love goes both ways, and it can either destroy you, or make you the happiest you will ever be for the rest of your life.

Love is hideously beautiful.

Love is something I am willing to take the risk for.

And that's why, I love you.

2010-11-24T00:46:00.000+08:00

Day 1.

2010-11-22T01:43:00.000+08:00

I temporarily quit.

2010-10-02T05:14:00.003+08:00

I have grown fond, in those who pull out arts out of their pain.

Many have done so, you know?

I sometimes close my eyes and feel the similarity in it all, but of course, I am no artist, nor am I a poet or a painter.

Simply, I am a person, who yearns and wishes to be like those who have passed, idealized, hated, loved, and alienated.

All those who have suffered pain and suffering of some kind would somewhat understand, then again, who hasn't?

Find me a person, who have yet to suffer a form of suffering or pain.

Be it that he lost a lover.

Lost a friend.

Lost a pet.

Lost something dear.

He feels some kind of agony, and maybe we are unable to comprehend or understand him on a similar level, but yet, we sympathize the man. Pretending we understand him.

We offer him a pat on the back, try to put him on his feet and push him off another cliff where he would probably suffer his next.

Sometimes, it works.

The person in pain actually feels the love and kindness, but not all do.

Some catch on quite quickly.

They stumble back into the previous death cliff, dragging along an avalanche of rocks, landslides and death.

They begin to retreat into things that comfort them.

Drugs.

Music.

Art.

Poetry.

Painting.

Cooking.

We all have different retreats.

And again, just because we don't understand, doesn't mean it works.

We mean no harm to others, but to others, they perceive it as so.

What is the solution to it all really?

Do we help those who are in need?

Or do we leave them to fend themselves?

Where is the line that divides it all?

The line is so thin, that we barely see it half the time.

It is there, the question is, do we acknowledge it?

We love to play God so much at times, that we have so much power over an individual that we feel that we must tell them what to do, what to say, how to act, and of course, ignoring the "bigger" picture, the consequence of it all, we decide to do what we feel is right for the other person.

Really, what is the line?

Do we help those who will help themselves?

Or do we give our hands regardless of the situation and consequence?

I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.

401.

2010-09-30T03:42:00.006+08:00

Post Dedicated to Akash and Jerry

by: naekole

I, have been thinking, a lot lately.

I felt, as though I was in a void at the spur of a moment.

I lost control of myself, and control of everything around me, I wanted out, and I wanted to evacuate.

But then I spoke to Jerry, who is probably one of the most beautiful people I've met since I've come to Monash.

He, made me realize, I am not alone, nor am I on my own.

I smile just a little bit.

However, someone left a comment on my previous blog post saying that I need to stop being a emo little bitch, and well, they're probably right.

Although, sitting behind the keyboard, saying that I'm an emo little bitch while you still continue to read my blog and hate on me says a lot about your character, but that's a different topic all together, now isn't it?

I've gone through a rough patch, and maybe I have not conveyed it DETAILED enough for readers to picture what I am going through.

Sureee, everyone has their own problems, everyone is emo.

I should suck it up, and man up.

I should do this or do that...

Oh, are you still reading?

Well, you see, this is my blog.

A blog is where I, yes the user, vent, rant, write, convey, and, well... speak my mind, but somehow, certain readers wish to control that as well.

Would you rather tell me what I should wear, what I should write for you, or maybe what I should eat today?

I vent because at times, I need to, and I find writing, scribbling poetry, vomiting useless ramblings and being a little emo bitch comforting, BUT if you rather me be like you and sit behind a keyboard and tell others what they should or should not be, I'd rather go ahead and shoot myself right between the eyes before I stoop to a level of pure trolling.

On a side note, it has been a while since I've spoken to Akash.

It's been a while since I really kept in touch with anyone.

I read his blog today.

I love his post on "What I've Learnt", and... I will thank Akash for it, forever.

Go ahead, give it a read.

but before I end this, I want to say;

Thank you Jeremiah and Thank you Akash.

400.

2010-09-29T01:10:00.003+08:00

400, indecisive.

by: naekole

I sit here in my room, thinking about life in general.

Two students passed away.

On the same day.

One from heart failure.

One from an accident.

I never knew either one of them.

They were both 16/17 years old.

The girl who passed away from heart failure lived 3 houses away from me.

She caught April once, with her brother, when April ran away from home.

I won't forget her house.

The gate, the dogs she had, the car.

It was all there, in my mind.

I didn't know her personally.

I didn't really take the effort.

I never took the effort to care.

I sit here, rethinking my life.

The world, as Akash says, is harsh.

Indeed it is.

I can't help but feel somewhat depressed though.

I mean, can you blame me?

Everything seems to fall so close to one another.

Everything seems to be falling apart.

Around me.

It's making me fall.

It's making me crash, crash and burn into the ground.

Pain.

It strives me to write, to draw, to feel, the purge every angst, anger and pain that courses my veins onto my works.

I feel it.

This familiar feeling, many years ago.

Its back.

Or maybe it never left at all.

I am rambling.

This is my 40oth post.

And I feel that I should, let go.

Let go.

I've fallen, and now I refuse to get up.

2010-09-17T02:32:00.000+08:00

2010-09-11T22:41:00.002+08:00

Time To Forget

by: naekole

Time to forget those, and remove those that I thought were real.

Time to forget those, and erase those that I thought were true.

Memories.

Friends.

Past.

All forgotten lies.

I am sad that I have to come to realize, that, I could, and can never count on anyone anymore.

Except for a selected few.

Time to remove all those that I thought were friends.

Time to forget those that I thought were real.

Time to now move on from things that were not true.

Time to hate, and to spend time with the new.

2010-09-09T04:04:00.003+08:00

I've lost it all

by: naekole

I think I'm going to stop blogging for awhile.

I feel this disconnection, this, emptiness inside myself, this void.

I feel, maybe, well, actually, I don't.

I haven't felt like anything lately, and I have felt this way for about a month.

I've lost it all.

I've lost myself.

I've lost importance.

Because I realize how easily it is to replace someone.

I realize how quickly someone is forgotten.

I realize how swift someone is hated.

When it took forever to get where we were.

2010-09-01T13:52:00.004+08:00

Cause Love Is Strange.

by : naekole

Sometimes, people lie, they promise you forever.

But the amazing thing about that lie, you realize what you really want in life.

And because of that lie, you find, the true person you wanna spend forever with.

I now know, that you can never really experience love, without sadness.

And I have experienced sadness, to know, what I love.

Some people rather not risk the hurt, the sadness, the pain, to love.

But thats the beauty of love.

Love makes you feel emotions and pain that you can experience no other way.

Love makes you miss, want, yearn, obsess, and need the person.

At the same time, it makes you cry, hurt, agonize and hate the person.

Love goes both ways, and it can either destroy you, or make you the happiest you will ever be for the rest of your life.

Love is hideously beautiful.

Love is something I am willing to take the risk for.

And thats why, I love you.

2010-08-26T15:51:00.003+08:00

Im Hung Over

by : naekole

I kept waking up the entire night, with a blasting headache and a twisted up tummy.

Feeling sick to the bone, I swore to never ever touch Tequila again (thanks Caryn).

Having to throw up every once a while, I never felt so shitty before, until I remembered my 2oth birthday, where I really don't remember anything at all.

Bummer much.

I am resisting the urge to pick up my House and Philosophy book, or even Planet India.

The urge to read has set in again, and while I was cleaning my room the other day (about time), I found all of my old books, still in perfect condition.

Some read, some not, I do think I should finish up everything before I proceed with my new reads.

Maybe during the long holidays after the exams.

I am excited, really, because, I haven't had a read off with myself in a year.

I usually need about a week (or 2, depending on book sizes) to finish off a book.

At this point, I do nothing other than read actually.

Ah, I can see it now, hot latte, a book, and a nice comfy bed.

I wish I could smoke, but I'd probably be shot on the spot by my mother.

I had the most amazing time last night.

With Dharma, Caryn, Vishnu, Jeremy Kian and Jer's friend, Ong (not Andrew).

Ah.

No more Tequila, ever again.

ever.

someday

2010-08-21T20:03:00.005+08:00

The Beauty of it all

by : naekole

What makes you struggle and fret early of every morning?

What proceeds you to carry on, proceed with life?

In all honesty, what makes an individual want to carry on, and move on really?

People tell me, constantly, I need a goal in my life.

I need to set a goal in order to progress, an aim many may say.

To many, a goal is an aim in life, something that fires you up to achieve something.

It molds you into someone, or something that you are to be, something more than you already currently are.

It is like, the achievement you get when you reach the top of that tallest mountains.

The sights, the sounds, the beauty of everything (reminds me of double rainbow, really).

In a nutshell, you find happiness in achieving your goals.

Do we really?

What you can see when you reach the top of that mountain, are thousands and thousands of other mountains unconquered, and on those thousands are a thousands more.

It is a vicious endless cycle.

Inevitable really, thats the word.

In every thing, one things leads to another, and we are driven to continue to pursue more and more. More work mounts to more work, and there are constantly new challenges in life, there is no end to it.

Finished goals lead to more goals.

More goals lead to finished goals.

Is it possible, that the famous life's question is solved?

Is it reasonable to conclude that life, is a collection of meagre satisfaction?

An endless charade of goals, if unmet at the end of the day leads to failure?

Does all that really mount up to an individual's "happiness"?

An individual can live forever, gathering everything, conquering everything, but one's mortal self perspective and reality would have been eaten alive, if not lost.

An endless rat race, of goal achieving, would have not made no man happier, it would have made him lose his purpose in life, his true meaning of happiness.

In the end of the day, all you're left with, is... nothing really.

Time would have left you, and you will have nothing to relate to anymore.

You have lost touch to the true purpose of happiness, the true purpose of yourself and what you have really wanted in the end of the day.

In the end of the day, no one will have known of your existence.

No one will remember the horizons that you conquered.

No one will remember what you have seen, because you were too busy conquering everything else.

No one will remember you, because you did not even remember yourself.

You would have not existed at all.

2010-08-14T20:05:00.002+08:00

Too Many Things Forgotten

by: naekole

In the midst of everything, the world crumbles upon each and every individual person at least once in their lifetime.

They are engulfed by the flames and misery of forgetfulness, they miss the shattering of their own life. When things seems to run out, people tend to lose focus, lose touch, lose faith. When all hope is lost, people must look for faith to guide them through, to be their savior.

Life has evolved in such a way that money matters.

Money talks, money is the key idealistic vision of happiness.

Pathetically, our society has shaped our mindset as such, that we tend to blow off/ignore the current situations of life.

Music, movies, series, the media, they flash these new fancy materialistic items at you, and you are immediately aroused into that particular path. Blinded by materialism, we ignore our surrounding. We ignore the people who are suffering.

So sing about your cars, money and naked women.

Scar that into the minds of our future, believing in nothing more than riches, fame and stupidity.

So film about action, make believe and fantasy.

Scar that into the minds of our future, ignorant to reality, our current worldly issues, poverty, death, racism and mutiny.

People have grown more and more ignorant, if not some have grown more and more cunning.

I was watching Boston Legal and I was shaken by the reality of certain issues.

Regarding the little orphan "Annie" and a little black girl who wished to play the role.

Annie is an iconic icon, craved by society almost 50 years ago.

A white little girl, plucked from the orphanage, she became such an icon in America. Yet, in this modern day society (still is happening), a young little black girl is rejected from playing the role of little orphan Annie, because she does not meet the description of a young, white little Annie.

According to the show of course, they have stated that, the only reason why they had allowed her to audition is to show that they are a racially equal bunch, who aren't racist and are all about diversity.

That way they can claim to have it both ways, diverse, and get that little white Annie.

Regardless to say, the little black girl won the case, only because a Reverend came in the court announcing that, we are now living in a modern day society.

To the court, it was a small matter that the little black girl could not play Annie, but in reality, it is no small matter. To him, she is denied the opportunity to play little Annie, just because she had not "match" the description.

We, are the people of a different day.

the issue that is at hand is that a difference can be made, and that day is always a day away, there is always a tomorrow.

Saying that she cant play Annie because she does not match the description is just not good enough for anyone.

Make a difference, today

2010-08-14T00:05:00.003+08:00

Why Do I Bother?

by : naekole

In the sun, I watch it rise as the rain trickles down my skin.

I still cant wrap my mind around it, nor can I absorb the reality of what has actually happened.

Disgusted by the scrambled up colors of the sky, reminding me of the word diarrhea you use to spew, I tear up a little remembering the moments we use to share.

Feeling nauseous, the purged up sky seems to drown my vision, clouding up my mind.

Red, orange, yellow, blue.

Crumpled before my eyes, I face palm myself.

I can't take this, too much, too much thoughts of you, it makes me feel so isolated.

why did you have to go the way you went?

I have been able to forgive myself for every thing that has happened.

I want to free myself from everything and everything, and yet there is no one else to blame but myself.

Both parties? maybe. You? never.

I have felt much hatred and disgust for myself, for letting this happen to you.

Saving myself was on my mind, self-pity was inevitable, and because of my own ignorance and self mutilation, everything else fell apart.

ah, but what can self pity bring us?

Nothing but self mutilation.

....i'm lost for words for myself.

2010-08-10T23:04:00.003+08:00

Cause, Oh Yes.

by : naekole

Regrets, doubt, isolation and hate,

They're all just simple tools, the Devil's bait,

Luring you into the darkness, the abyss of self mutilation,

Leaving man kind in a mental physical vegetation.

-naekole-

In the darkness of nights, the swerving of insects flew past my face,

I stare into the starry nights, splattered like diarrhea waste,

I choked on my own despair, the beauty of the starry night,

From there I lost vision, my view and my sight,

Engulfed by the the blue, black, hatred of mankind word vomit,

There is no way around it, no way to stop it,

I fall madly in love once more with the starry starry night,

With the cigarette in the mouth, and the match stick to light.

2010-08-08T12:15:00.002+08:00

Understand me and Understand you

by : naekole

An angel of my life, an angel whom

isn't you. This angel is someone that

I love so very much. Why couldn't you

leave me be? Truly, my beloved angel would

love me as much as I do. You

meant a lot but my darling, my angel, would

care, love, miss, and fulfill me.

My darling, I know this, that,

I will love, care and forever be with

my beloved angel forever. I will miss

you, forever. Do not worry.

I know she will do the same to I.

That is, my dear, no lie. I will.

2010-08-07T21:02:00.001+08:00

I Am A Scene Whore

by : naekole

Dressed in pants so tight, I feel my crotch inverting itself. I feel so big in this industry as I flash my red tight jeans and black and white striped jacket across the society. I know those stares, and those stares know me. They remind me what a social outcast I will forever remain, and I enjoy every second of that. Like a bleeding zebra, I strut across the hallways, topped with a checkered Fedora, I turn around and twirl and realize, I look ridiculous. I look at my reflection and never did comprehend the outrageous clothes and eye blinding colors. I felt my stomach twirl at the sight of my own self, and guess what?

I love it.

I enjoy the revolted and envious glares that I receive. The feeling of being wanted, hated, detested, envied, and loved mixed into a concoction so strong that it feeds my soul. I care not about the way you think, as long as I felt good. I had this strange and strong feeling whenever I dressed odd, and it gave me the sense of strength and power. I felt gorgeous disguised under all that color and peculiarity, because that way, no one really can tell who or what I am.

I am powerful behind all the leather, cotton and silk that I wear,

I am a scene girl, and I know that you love to stare,

I'm covered in plastic magazines and paper thick lies,

I'll forever be a scene girl, and that dream will never die.

2010-08-05T03:27:00.002+08:00

And Here I Will Stand Forever More

by : naekole

I stand in this land, so wide and free,

With bullets swishing past my blood teary eyes,

The knives on my back begun to sting and burn,

As we will all just never ever learn,

I breathe in the day, and exhale the night,

And curl up as the moon screeches in fright,

I love the way the world seems to have turned so numb,

Yet I hate what the world has finally become.

I am a contradicting ass.

I travel against the flow of the mass.

I derived from horror, mutilated pasts, and disfigured presents.

I succumb to temptations.

2010-08-03T18:31:00.003+08:00

and let me be the first to tell and say this to you:

I love you.

I am madly, deeply, truly, incredibly, amazingly, destructively in love with you.

2010-08-02T20:41:00.001+08:00

How I miss the sound of your voice,

The grasp of your hands,

Your awkwardness and love,

The way you make a stand.

How I really miss you

2010-08-01T04:52:00.002+08:00

Fucking

Hate

You

2010-07-30T23:08:00.002+08:00

Words, and words.

by: naekole

I want to stop dreaming.

I hate myself for dreaming of you.

I hate you for hating me, ergo making me hate you.

Please, I want to stop dreaming of you.

I want to stop seeing you.

Please.

Get out of my head.

Help me from this misery I have buried myself so fucking deep in.

I can't get out from this hell hole, I want a way out.

Any way out.

even if it means, drugs, alcohol and self destruction, I will take that option.

Help.

2010-07-30T03:00:00.003+08:00

I found the rest of myself dead today.

Curled up in a bunch of what use to be limbs, crunched up memories and disemboweled word diarrhea.

Boiled down to this, I am but a speck, and I slash these wrists to wake up from the nightmare I have buried myself so fucking deep in.

Uncontrollably, I want to stab so deep in, blood gushes all over my face, drowning me in my own agonizing pain and self hatred, I self combust to dust particles of ash.

I hate myself for having repeat myself.

I am but human, and yet I treat others so disgustingly.

I am no more superior, nor am I anymore outstanding.

I am as equally pathetic, as equally weak, I should be shot for having been such a cruel and insignificant human being.

However, what has been done, has been done.

I shall just loathe myself, and forever remember, the putrid being that I am.

2010-07-29T22:12:00.003+08:00

Cause I Don't Know Jack

by : naekole

It is things like this that I find, that makes me sad.

The memories, the friendships lost, and the happy times we shared.

It makes me really sad.

Yet, I feel relieved because we are both happier people now.

2010-07-29T02:41:00.003+08:00

I Do Believe So

by: naekole

WARNING:

This is not a poem, this is a rant post.

I love the way you talk, fumble, mumble, and eat your own words.

I love the way you would just be in so much joy at the mention of food, any kind.

I love the way you would laugh at all my retarded jokes, even though at times I scare you EVER so slightly.

I love the way you stare into my eyes, and smile.

I love the way you try to pick a fight with me, even though you know you're going to lose.

I love the way you comb my hair when I am half a sleep in the morning.

I love the way you spoil me, pamper me, and make me feel like a princess.

I love the way you cuddle me to bed, as we fall asleep at night.

I love the way you kiss me goodnight, every night.

I love the way you mess up, cause you're just so cute that way.

I love the way you complain about how I nag you to bathe every other time.

I love the way you tell me, I am beautiful, and that you only love me.

I love the way you love my dogs, as much as I love them.

I love the way you watch me, when I watch Futurama and laugh.

I love the way you call me fatty, when in reality you're in denial of yourself.

I love the way you put effort into us.

I love the way you remember everything about us, and everything about me (almost).

I love the way you love me.

But I am broken now.

Because you broke me.

You doubted me.

Everyone doubts me.

I am broken now.

Because you broke me when you doubted me.

2010-07-29T01:54:00.003+08:00

Living In A World So Cold

by : naekole

This is the agonizing destruction.

Fallen and destroyed, Broken and False,

Gone has been my beliefs, With a simple coin toss,

I am foolish, idiotic, stupid and frail,

And tonight is the night, where I shall once again fail,

I have too much to pop, and too much to drink,

Too much smoke, too much think,

I am about to slash it all, Damn it all to Hell,

And join all those memories, fallen and fell,

I succumb to pain, to destruction and hate,

I guess now I understand the true meaning of fate,

I taste the bitter beginnings, my sorrowful end,

Miserable mornings, sorrowful never ending went,

I hate myself, I am pathetic human scum,

I am but useless waste of toxic wastage dump,

I am putrid, despicable, hateful waste,

I will now forever know, how hatred tastes.

It will linger on, forever and ever.

2010-07-20T23:47:00.003+08:00

Done by: grotesquedarling13

So Let Champagne Crash In Outer Space

by: naekole

Here I lay, in the pitch dark madness,

The pitch black reality of the world,

I am curled in fear, nervous,

Nervous, I can hear my heart racing,

Racing the the tip of my throat, pounding out,

I feel the sweat trickle down my face, down my neck,

Neck lingers, I feel my pale, sick, and my wrist throbbing,

I am stinging with numbness, with strange pain,

I am lingering between the border line of sanity and insane,

I am slowly sinking down, into the depths of my soul,

I feel myself getting sick, feeling nauseous,

With lies and promises, with love, I was cautious,

The drumming in my chest, I feel it thumping,

The constant ringing, the constant screeching in my ears,

I cry,

This pain is agonizing, but not unpleasant one bit,

I am lost in this dark hole, this never ending abyss,

I have forsaken the ones I love, the ones I trust,

I now come to a conclusion, a reality,

Nothing else in this world really matters anymore,

Nothing matters in this black sunken gaping hole,

Of every wanting love,

need,

want,

belonging,

security,

care,

trust,

you.

There was always this forever never ending,

Cause and effect,

The effect and the cause,

I was forever at fault by your hands, by your eyes,

I am guilty as charged,

so guilty I am, hate me, despise me, slit me,

I am forgotten, forsaken, exiled,

forget me,

discuss disgust.

I am too afraid, I am too gutless,

I am too whimpering, too pathetic,

Unable to slit through and bleed my eyes and heart out to the agony,

Agony that is pounding, stabbing my heart,

My heart can't heal, A scar left behind,

Behind my back that has been stabbed thoroughly through, I feel it,

Feel it cutting, piercing into my every existence,

Ah, can you hear my inaudible screams and cries of help,

Only I could, only I could hear yours,

Yours were clear, bright, and loud as the crushing of my soul,

May I proceed, if I am ever so bold?,

I am burning for lust, the lust that it burns,

I cry and screech into the brain, telling it so stop hurting my emotions,

I hate you, for hating me, but hate is such a strong word,

I am confused, who am I?

Why am I here? Why am I afraid to die?

Fear,

Life,

Death,

Birth,

pitiful mortals and beings, vanquish!

I feel like a sailor, sailing through the night sky,

My silver bright ship sails through, and I can barely breathe,

And the night sky reflects into the bright blue sea,

Lingering, calling, singing, serenading me,

I now see a red, red, sea,

I quiver no more in fear, in cold,

I feel, nothing, I feel guilty, I feel wrong,

But to when, to when can this bitterness end?

Guilt.

Conscience.

Desires.

Doubt.

Risks.

Regrets.

Blood.

Death.

Life.

Belonging?

Anticipation?

My ship now fades into the night.

As I drown into the sea, red sea so bright.

2010-07-18T23:47:00.003+08:00

Cause The Song Is Stuck In My Head

by : naekole

I have sailed and played this final,

As the moon crosses and fade away slowly,

As we sing tonight, my brothers, sing!,

And may this be our final last drink,

We're dying tonight, all 100 of us,

And we shall not cry and mourn the death of us,

We sing and rejoice the beauty that is our life,

And the memories we have shared shall suffice,

So sing my brothers, and I shall continue this tune,

As everyone dies, under the yellow dark moon,

I watch my brother's fall, I cry as I hear them fall,

As we all still continue, our musical call,

I continue slowly, as my band turns to a quartet,

And now a trio, a duet... now, a solo,

So long my brothers, I will miss you all so dear,

I cry now in pain, my death draws near,

I continue the song, as my tears flow down my face,

I shall travel alone now, till I reach my fate,

So I sing this song now, to all my brothers I love and has to go,

Yo ho ho ho, Yo ho ho ho..

-Inspired by One Piece, Character Brooke-

2010-07-16T17:58:00.002+08:00

In The Beatles Love Boat

by : naekole

I can't give you the love,

The love that you need,

I can't give you the touch,

The touch that you seek,

I can't give you perfection,

The one that you crave,

But what I can give you,

My love till my grave,

I can't give you that field,

That field grown with love,

I can't give you the heavens,

The sky or the stars above,

What I can give you now,

Is my love so deep,

And trust me on this,

It is yours to keep,

Roses are red,

Blood droplets too,

Tonight when I bleed,

I bleed only for you.

2010-07-14T02:29:00.002+08:00

For A Moment I Can Hardly Breathe

by : naekole

I take back every word,

I take back every line,

I take back every sentence,

I take back every lie,

I take back every meaning,

I take back every truth,

I take back every heart and soul,

I take back hurting you,

I take back slitting my wrist,

I take back crying out loud,

I take back every anger,

I take back every sound,

I take back every heart break,

I take back every dime,

I take back every chance,

I take back all those times,

I take back all your pain,

I take back all your hurt,

I take back all your reason,

I take back every word.

I close my eyes and dream and think of nothing more odd, than the change of not of those around me, but of myself. My perspective, my mentality, my ideology, my happiness, my reasons and my purpose.

Everything remains, whereas, its time for me to grow up and realize.

Writing, thinking, crying, dreaming and wishing about it, is worthless.

Actions are stronger, and that is my purpose.

2010-07-13T23:15:00.002+08:00

Back From Vacation, From The Islands of High

by : naekole

I have never felt so out of control.

I have never felt so indecisive and unresolved.

I have never felt so lost and destroyed.

I have never so....

-naekole-

I feel so alone in the dark, surrounded by sea of people,

Yet I feel like I am suffocating, drowning in this devastating hell hole,

I am unwanted, an anonymous person amongst the tourists of the land,

Yet I linger for this feeling, as blood trickles down my torn up hand,

I inhale the fumes of toxicity, the utter bullshit you speak of,

Everlasting lies, never lasting truth, they seem to manipulate the mind,

Well, fuck you all I can say, begone unwanted feelings of hate,

I have had enough of your stupidity and self consumption, enough said.

2010-07-07T16:45:00.005+08:00

So Shoot Me Down In The Center

by : naekole

I've run out of creativity.

I've run out of things to say.

I've run out of things to write.

I grow uninteresting day by day.

-naekole-

From the roof over my head,

To the head that shelters my mind,

From the mind that runs about,

To the running that causes my doubt,

From the doubt that causes the bleed,

To the bleeding of my wrists,

From the wrists with the gashed up wounds,

To the wounds that leaks with ink of red,

From the red that covers my eyes,

To my eyes, blurred up visions I see,

From the sight that is fogged and gone,

To gone that means I am as blind as can be,

From being blind, my perspective is lost,

To the lost perspective, means that I can not think,

From the inability to think, means I can not judge,

To be unable to judge means I am closed minded, things I can not link,

From being closed minded, I am unable to hear,

To be unable to hear the opinions of the others, minorities, my brothers,

From the others, I learn that I a deaf to it all,

To be deaf means I am dumb founded, I am build behind a wall,

A wall of irrelevance, I am mute,

I cannot speak my mind nor argue my points exactly,

I am deaf, blind and mute to the world around me,

Because I am lost in the world that I deluded myself in,

I am trapped in a world that I buried myself in,

I am a fool to think that I can grow old,

Saving the world, I need to conform to the mass and be accepted by the society.

But fuck that shit I am not going to stupefy myself,

for the sake of the others who refuse to see it any other way for that matter.

That makes me mute, deaf and blind regardless.

But that makes you the same too,

So answer me this, what are YOU gonna do?

2010-07-03T16:02:00.000+08:00

Oh, My Marionette

by: naekole

On the saddest of days and on the saddest of nights,

Even the scariest of winter summer’s frights,

She still smiled, and spread her wings out wide,

And said to herself inside her heart, I would fly.

But it wasn’t true, it was another lie.

She never knew bad, and could never separate from good,

She wasn’t like behaving like how teenaged kids should,

Because of a tale, from her mother’s eyes,

It was the tale of the white, white lie.

So my child, tried, tried and tried.

As she climbed up the hill, and jumped down again,

Hoping to go back from the realm that she came,

So she did it again and repeatedly too,

But the fate of life was yet so too cruel.

God, help this child, whom is in a curse of a fool.

She was like a puppet, of wood, animated by strings,

Because she did no more and climb up and sink,

Making her wounds on her palms and her head, deeper than deep,

God, help this child, put her in the deepest of sleep.

Because it was reality in which that she could not keep.

So she heard of a tale, of flight to take,

Was it the toughest of choices that she had to make?

The choice between choosing life and death,

In life you try and fail again, but for death, you fly like air,

To her, the choice of death seemed fair.

Stabbing hooks through, the fragile hands of a woman,

Letting blood spill of nothing but innocence,

Hooking herself up onto 2 pieces of wood she made,

Marionette Puppet was now her name.

God, please help her, ease her pain.

No one knew of the reason why,

The reason of why the started to try, try, try,

But it was too late now, questions were unanswered,

But I waited till winter for her return,

For her spirit to come home to me, come home,

Marionette, my angel, you float once more,

I see your spirit floating above my floor,

But do you cry in blood tears and screams?

Is it because flying isn’t what it seems?

Speak to me Marionette; let me fulfill your dreams.

Stop crying Marionette, there isn’t a thing I can do,

For I am nothing, I am but mortal too,

Do you need someone to shelter you from cold?

Or because you feel lonely, and have pain within not told?

Give me your hand Marionette; I am for you to hold.

Marionette, don’t cry, I am here for you now,

Please let me know, what’s in your heart so fowl?

I want to ease and end your misery sin,

But what can I, a mortal, of joy can I bring?

Oh my Marionette, you begin to sing.

Your voice so tender, so loving, so true,

Oh Marionette, I am madly in love with you,

I want to be with you, forever more,

Oh Marionette, you make my heart sore,

Marionette, you are the girl I’ve been looking for.

Slit my wrist? Let it bleed? You want to hear me cry?

But why Marionette, answer me why,

No Marionette, don’t shed those tears,

You know when you cry it’s of my biggest fears,

Marionette, if it makes you happy, I’ll do what you say,

I will let my blood spill, on your land, throughout the day,

So I slit my flesh and skin so thin,

So that was my beginning and also my fin.

Oh Marionette, where have you been?

Marionette, where are you going? Who is this guy?

Marionette, he isn’t your love, your love is I,

Oh Marionette, why did you trick me so?

So that I’ll release you from your own lonely cursed soul?

Marionette, what do you mean, let truth be told.

Marionette, I can’t move, what trickery is this?

Marionette, I trusted you, I can make you a list,

Don’t leave me, why am I chained, to the cursed floor,

Oh Marionette, you’re such a whore.

I didn’t know why I even love you for.

Marionette was cold, and I knew why,

She left me alone during winter to die,

To take her place, and die, and never to be found,

To disappear from earth without sound.

Marionette so cruel and oh so cold.

Yet it isn’t as cold as the winter’s snow.

So cold. So alone.

2010-06-29T23:43:00.003+08:00

What Is It About You, and Your Ways?

by : naekole

I can hear the lingering silence of your heart,

As you yearn to feel, and love the one person that you can never have,

I can taste the lust and infatuation that fills the air,

As you fall and crumble into destruction and fiery pit despair.

She reminds me of the sun, the fiery burning sun.

She reminds me of the moon, the cold blue stuttering moon.

What is it about you, and your ways?

What is it about the linger death, the ignorance and arrogance?

What is it about the wounds on my bleeding back, as it trickles down my skin?

What is it about anger, hatred and destruction, my every lasting burning sin?

She reminds me of the frozen ice, the isolating chilling ice.

She reminds me of the blazing fire, the destructive and burning fire.

I hate what you've become,

and I hate what the world is about to receive in their eyes.

I hate what I've become,

and I hate what the world is about to accept into their world.

The steps are placed, and the track has been step.

I shall no longer be owing, I shall pay the Devil's debt.

Receive my soul, and suck it dry, return to which I've came.

And spit me out, and step on me, cause I'll never be the same.

I want to devour the souls of the lost, and devour the hearts of the lonely.

I want to rip apart the hope of the naive, and the slither into the minds of the happy.

I want to destroy the body of the innocent, I want to implode it with the truth.

I want to stuff it down their throats, feed them all the evidence and proof.

I need to stop myself, before I end myself.

2010-06-29T23:08:00.003+08:00

Will come up with something brilliant later.

2010-06-28T22:39:00.002+08:00

What Beauty Lies Beyond This Mask You've Created?

by: naekole

What lies beyond this mask that you've created?

What lies beyond this hideosity that you've become?

What lies beyond this monstrosity you've unleashed upon?

What lies beyond this beast you've now let free to run?

There is no reason to ever now slither into the dark,

The true disgust of your features are exposed to the sun,

The ugly sees the ugly for what the ugly truly is,

As your world burns crumbling down like a fallen unstable bridge,

It was never really stable to begin with anyways.

Show your ugly, and be shunned by the world anyways,

We hate and despise your two faced ways,

Just function like you normally do as the monster that you are,

Cause either way, you would have never made it far.

You've fallen into the trap of the Venus,

It's called that for that very reason,

To suck the life out of your with lies and trickery of sweet sweet beginnings,

And spit your carcass out, the way you ordinarily were, to your finish.

You disgust me, you pathetic scum.

Now begone from the face of this earth, and vanquish.

Worthless waste of time, and energy, you're pure word vomit,

I think you've surpassed the life worthiness limit,

Now vanquish.

2010-06-27T19:10:00.002+08:00

I rarely speak these words

by : naekole

Write upon paper, and meanings unknown,
I am like a dog without a bone,
Truth lies beyond the truth of lies,
What for emptiness and meaningless cries,
What is the difference between death and goodbyes?

Walk the walk, the others you'd follow,
Leaving smiles and hearts of hollow,
Meaningless beings, what reign you've created,
What is now the difference between love and hatred?

Heart speaks one, body does unlike,
Defeated hearts with stabs from a pike,
Pike held by others, whom you tend to take on from behind,
Be now the soldier infront of an enemy line,
What is the reason to oppose on your mind?

Break not the truth, and truth is your heart,
Do not from the end, but renew and fresh start,
Opposing the heart and mind is sin to the soul,
Feel not do you the emptiness, blankness unfold,
What reason for you now is to you to live so bold?

What begins underground, deep beneath the sod,
Humans, from the jar on clouds, and shattered glass He did, our God,
Indescribable lanes of life, unmentioned and untamed,
All was lost, until, a shining light from Mars he came,
Ease not only the bleeding but scars and pain,
What for the reason for now I to blame?

But he heals no more, instead wounds deeper they dig,
Truth before mentioned, fragile, frail, weakened twig,
Oppose dare not again, truth broken once more,
Again, what reason to oppose your mind for?

Withering white rose stands alone amongst the weeds,
I opposed not, and so the rose tried to paint itself green,
Weeds they surround it, it takes lead,
By painting rose green, to its hunger it no longer feed,
By trying to imitate, the colour, the length of weed's shoot,
Forgetting my beginnings, my starts and my roots,
What reason for me now to step into the footprints from infront?
What reason for the rose to not wither, as now I signify none.

2010-06-22T03:42:00.003+08:00

This One Last Post For You

by : naekole

Thank you for being a friend.

Thank you for being a lover.

Thank you for being there.

Thank you for being my cover.

Thank you for being my shield.

Thank you for being my ears.

Thank you for being my shoulders.

Thank you for being my tears.

Thank you for being my everything.

Thank you for this final rhyme.

Thank you for being there for me.

Once upon a time.

I dedicate this to you, as we both have moved on.

Thank you for everything Rashaad Ali.

Don't change anything :)

Wish you all the best, in everything.

Take care friend.

2010-06-20T13:51:00.002+08:00

Cause I Had A Dream About You

by : naekole

I had a dream about you,

Under those neon lights,

Where we were dancing to our song,

On that beautiful occasional night.

Ah, I can't forget that touch,

No, I can never let that moment go,

Cause when I woke up I realize,

How much I miss you so,

Ah, forget those starry nights,

I wash them all away,

Cause tomorrow when I finally wake up,

It's just another day

2010-06-16T00:58:00.003+08:00

Don't Let Her Fool You, This Is Not A Happy Post

by : naekole

Let there be an eternal rain,

Of sorrow, envy, hate and anguish,

Let there be an eternal suffering,

Of death, murder and blood on my silver platter dish,

I stab and crave out my heart,

And deliver it to you by foot,

And you laugh and laugh into my face,

Throwing me off my life for good,

I lay here wasted, destroyed,

On the verge of self destruction,

Until I fall into the hands of the devil,

Of beauty and mental corruption,

Slavery, hatred, burn my soul to ash,

Let me rot here, let my mind just clash,

With the sounds of the drums, and the screeches of Hell,

As the devil now calls, with the ringing of the bells,

I hear Him calling, He seeks my soul,

I give it to him, so I don't feel so cold,

As I sold it all to the demon, I surrender my heart,

For now I have forever been, slashed and ripped apart,

Now consume me now, I am vulnerable to thee,

As I scream out your name, six hundred and sixty six times with glee,

Now destroy her now, Bastards from my mind,

Drag to the depths of the earth where the sun don't shine,

Rip her limbs apart, my angels of demons unite,

Devour her heart, her mind and soul alike,

Spit out her blood, that venomous bitch,

Throw her down into that burning fiery ditch,

I scream out your name, and hysterically laugh,

As the Devil has done my bidding on my behalf,

In exchange for my sanity, my mind and my heart,

Well, I knew it was fucking worth it from the start.

Now rip away my Devil child,

Rip away my soul and dance so wild,

Step on my body and spit on me, I'm use to it,

Cause she was the one who treated me like shit,

I feel like a God, I feel so alive,

I have reached Hell, I have finally arrived,

Now burn fucking bitch, into the fiery pit,

And I will be the one you spend the rest of your eternity with.

Now, die.

2010-06-15T23:45:00.001+08:00

For The Dead and Lonely Past

by: naekole

You can't escape the wrath of my heart

Beating to your funeral song

All faith is lost for hell regained

And love dust in the hands of shame

Let me bleed you this song of my heart deformed

And lead you along this path in the dark

Where I belong until I feel your warmth

Hold me like you held on to life

When all fears came alive and entombed me

Love me like you loved the sun

Scorching the blood in my vampire heart

I've been dreaming about you,

In a pool of your own blood,

With your wrists cut open,

And the razor deep in you heart,

She was the sun shining upon

The tomb of your hopes and dreams so frail

He was the moon painting you

With its glow so vulnerable and pale

Burning all the memories we had,

Why did it had to be so sad,

Engulf with the flames of sweet delight,

Like a thousand knives stabbing my heart,

I live to see your smile,

I'd die to kiss you tonight,

Six Hundred and Sixty Six times I called out your name,

Would our Love still be the same?

My Heart is shattered into pieces,

Should I still love her?

One Thousand Tears I Cried,

When you gave your love to another,

I have no reason to hate you,

My Hearts forever yearns for you,

As I Cut Myself to Sleep,

I'd dream your sweet kisses upon my lips,

I'd whisper my heart's desire,

Just to see you before I die,

She was the one to steal my heart,

An Angel with such a beautiful soul,

She was like a gift from god,

Inspired by only love,

Knowing you here by my side,

My fears are gone,

Knowing you are alive,

Makes me strong,

I held her like I never held anyone before,

She would kiss away my sorrows,

And I would cry when I'm lonely,

Without her love,

She would be the one to break my heart,

If she was taken away from my love,

I fear that I cannot love her anymore.

2010-06-14T23:13:00.002+08:00

Cause You Are The Only Disease

by : naekole

You're that nagging pain inside of me,

You're that striking pain in the back of my neck,

You're that venomous strike that lures with my veins,

You're the one that made me a total wreck,

You're the sharp pain I feel so deep inside my heart,

You're the long lasting migraine screaming in my head,

You're the worst hang over from not drinking at all,

You're the reason I just can't get out of bed,

You're the plague that devours my will ever so slow,

You're the heat of the temperature, the fever I suppose,

You're the itch from chicken pox that never goes away,

You're the kind of pain that just continuously grows,

You're that giant huge bruise that just never heals,

You're that never ending breath stopper, you're that annoying wheeze,

You're that feared of, hated, disgusting, "can't get rid of" pain,

But you're still yet, my favorite disease.

You are that pain that I long for, that ever lasting wait,

You are the ache that I yearn for, the one that I would stake,

You are the hurt that I live for, the one that makes me breathe,

You are the one I'd die for, the one that I would never leave,

You are the agony that I thrive on, the one that makes me stand,

You are the suffering that I'd go for, the one that makes me a "man",

You are the tear that I'd cry for, the one that makes me strong,

You are the one for me, the one I will love all a long

You are the one that would make me halt, the one that would make me cease,

Cause you are the one, and only, my favorite disease.

2010-06-14T01:14:00.002+08:00

Maybe Someday I Will

by: naekole

I heard about a man who jumped off a bridge today,

Who took his life, in a split little second, for just that little while,

And a note he left behind, it simply wrote,

I would not have jumped, if one single person would look at me and smile.

I heard about a man who hung himself today,

His neck was snapped and dangling, he was hung from the top,

And a note he left behind, it simply wrote,

I would not have hung myself, if one single person would make me stop,

I heard about a man who shot himself today,

As his lifeless body lays, and his blood all over the rug,

And a note he left behind, it simply wrote,

I would not have shot myself, if that one person would have given me a hug,

I heard about people dying today,

It really fucked my mind,

And a note now I leave, it simply write,

I would not have killed myself, if I could just turn back time

2010-06-13T22:15:00.002+08:00

I Thought, Forever and Ever?

by: naekole

I thought we promised, forever and ever,

As now I sit here alone in the dark,

Under the yellow moonlit night on a bench,

Somewhere in this pitch night park,

I remember we promised, forever and ever,

When we laid down on the bed we use to share,

As we entangled in each other arms, we twist,

As our bodies were naked and bare,

I recall we promised, forever and ever,

When we sat on the boot of your car,

As you held me close inside your safe secure arms,

When we drove away and away, further from far,

I know we promised, forever and ever,

When you slept next to me in my house at 4,

You could see me, and you, together forever,

And we could never ever ask for more,

I figured we promised, forever and ever,

When you looked into my eyes and swore,

That we would be together, forever and ever,

And you would never walk out that door,

I reminisce about forever and ever,

As I sit here, broken apart,

As I look back on those beautiful forever and evers,

I think of you in my heart,

I look back on forever and ever,

While a smile now on my face,

Cause I would never regret my forever and ever,

Because I know it was not of waste,

I now think of forever and ever,

As I stand up and leave this night,

Cause I know my promise of forever and ever,

And I know that our decision was right,

I walk now to my new forever and ever,

As life goes on without regret,

Cause now I know my forever and ever,

Is with this new man I have met,

I have made a new forever and ever,

I hope you have found her too,

Cause I will never forget my forever and ever,

When I made that promise with you,

I thought we promised forever and ever,

I thought I promised it with you,

It is okay now my dear, I'll find another,

To share my forever and ever with to.

I love my lover, forever and ever,

I love him and I do,

I hope you'll find a forever and ever,

Who will forever and ever love you too.

2010-06-13T00:18:00.003+08:00

There Is A Death Opposite My Home

by : naekole

The skies are blue and devoured by the sun,

And individuals are dancing and playing, they're all having fun,

I sit by the window of my villa, as I wait and stay,

As I watch the sun slowly fades away,

I sit out in the porch, under the starry dark sky,

I blow my cigarette smoke out and close my eyes,

A icy cold beer in hand, and the sand between my toes,

As I watch the time all slowly fade and go,

I gulp down my beer, as the liquid flows down my throat,

As I see from a far, the lost fisherman's boat,

I stare at the orange bright hue, as my cigarette burns,

As now my life is slowly taking it's turn,

I let the night wind blow my skin, I feel the gentle breeze,

As I close my eyes, I can feel my body slowly starting to freeze,

I get up and go back in as the sun starts to shine,

And now I feel like everything is actually perfectly fine,

I push open the glass door, and I crawl under the sheets,

As those beautiful set of eyes I love, I slowly meet,

As I curl up next to you, I hug you, I won't let go,

I love you my darling, that I want you to know,

As we kiss and snuggle, we let the sun shine again,

We have breakfast in bed, as outside starts to rain,

We shower, we snuggle, watch the tellie and sleep,

As we shut our eyes, and you fall in so deep,

I wake up and go out, grab a beer and sit down,

At the porch again, I lay, I try not to make a sound,

I open my beer and light my cigarette slow,

And I sit out here where nobody knows,

I shut myself down, succumb to the dark,

I go to that place, where I just don't give a fuck,

I enjoy my moments, as I start this moment again,

As I slowly succumb to hatred and pain,

Goodbye Goodnight, the world I once knew,

Thank God my dear friend, there is still you,

As I close my eyes again, and breathe in the night's sea air,

I once again drown myself, in sweet misery and despair.

2010-06-11T00:00:00.003+08:00

I am sorry I broke your heart.

I am sorry you had to see me fall this way.

I am sorry for being so reckless and broken.

I am sorry for doing this today.

I am sorry for not turning out right.

I am sorry for having you to watch me struggle.

I am sorry for being so mentally ill.

I am sorry for having you watch me fall and stumble.

I am sorry for not letting you in.

I am sorry for having you see my scars.

I am sorry for breaking my promises.

I am sorry for not being your shining star.

I am sorry that you now pray each night.

I am sorry that now you have to suffer alone.

I am sorry for constantly screwing things up.

I am sorry for never usually being home.

I am sorry that I might not always being there.

I am sorry that I might have hurt you.

I am sorry that I might have made you cry.

I am sorry for being the reason you do the things you do.

I am sorry for being so worthless.

I am sorry for being so weak and broken.

I am sorry for always running my mouth.

I am sorry that I was never open.

I am sorry for never being the brightest one.

I am sorry for being the slowest and dumb.

I am sorry for never doing anything right.

I am sorry, truly sorry mum.

I am sorry,

that you had to hurt, as you watch me hurt.

2010-06-10T23:19:00.004+08:00

Sink Ships, Loose Lips

by : naekole

I feel this anger racing and crushing my veins and skin,

I am more enraged, more frustrated than I have ever been,

I'm breaking these walls, I'm crossing every single physical line,

And I tell the fucking world that I'm doing pretty fine,

I am breaking my knuckles, I'm fracturing my fist,

With this pumped up hatred, I'm tired of this shit,

I'm slashing fingers, I am dissecting wrists,

And I tell the fucking world that I feel nothing but bliss,

I'm downing alcohol, night after night,

I'm angry and excited, I'm itching for a fight,

Most likely I'll lose, but it'd be worth it all,

And I tell the fucking world that I am not going to fall,

I'm breaking light bulbs, I'm stepping on glass,

As I bleed out from this misery at last,

I'm breaking all those promises, I promise I'd hold,

And I tell the fucking world that I'm out of the hole,

I'm grinning and smiling, at the sight of my blood,

As I am buried under this depression wave and flood,

I am falling so down, so deep, into this fucking hell,

And I tell the fucking world that I'm doing so well,

I walk around with a face, that I put on for show,

As the feelings are mixed up inside, and nobody knows,

As I switch it up from time to time, this illusionist's mask,

And I tell the fucking world that this is my last,

I am lying to your faces, I am lying through my teeth,

As I bury all of my happiness and optimism way down beneath,

And every single night, I just bloody fucking wish I would die,

And I tell the fucking world now, I'm living a lie

2010-06-09T23:14:00.002+08:00

The Night Owl of Your Eyes

by : naekole

Ah, the beauty of the morning sun, as it rises up slow,

The cold morning air, and that refresh wind blow,

You close your eyes, with that burning cigarette in hand,

As the place is empty deserted, as time slips like sand,

Close your eyes and feel the icy cold wind trickle your skin,

I can barely recall just how fucking long this has been,

The smoke keeping my fingers warm, and lacing my lips with taste,

As the night sky drops, and the morning shines in my face,

We park, walk out, and sit in the smoking room,

As in 3 hours time, I slowly will face my examination doom,

I breathe in the air, as the music blasts my ears,

As numbness fills my body, and I am left with no fear,

I see the orange lit sky, the clouds darken up the world,

As the colors mix up, smash, combine and twirl,

I see the night, day and beauty smash into it all,

As my soul leaves my body, and my mentality fall,

Who am I kidding?, the world is way to beautiful,

For me to sit, and drown in my misery of a pool,

As I suck in all the numbness of the morning cold air,

As the wind brushes by my still wet curled up hair,

I close my eyes for 10 minutes, and realize it is time,

For me to face my pending doom, this misery of mine,

I gather up my stuff, and strut to the hall,

As now I block out my past, I built a wall,

I smile and realize, all the good times I left behind,

All the bad, the happy, and misery, and I'm still doing fine,

My face twitches a little, as I walk on ahead,

As all the bad thoughts are now being lifted out from my troublesome head,

I walk back home after it all, its 7:59,

I look at the stars and think of you for one last time,

It's not worth it, I know, to shove myself back in,

But you made me the happiest I had ever been,

I smile once more, and think of the awesome times we shared,

And all the stupidness of each other that we both had to bare,

It was beautiful, but now it is in the past I realize,

As all my memories float away like beautiful little butterflies,

The dark night sky, and the starry starry sea,

I close my eyes and now realize it was meant to be,

I lost a friend, a lover, a memory that fades,

This is what I truly really have wanted to say,

You were a friend, a lover, a true heart who cares,

And your decision was right, it was only fair,

I bid you farewell and so long, as I walk on ahead,

As I crumble upon the night, on my little tiny bed,

I see pictures of you, and picture of me,

Of how things were just not meant to be,

I wish you the best, and hope you stay happy,

As I have moved on, from you and from everything, gladly,

I walk far ahead, and I shall not turn around,

As another friend and lover, now I have found,

I kiss his lips and I wave goodbye,

As the memories that we shared are now left to die,

I smile as I sleep, I smile when I awake,

and this was all because of the risk we were willing to take,

I love him so, and I love his heart,

And I pray that we will never ever part,

I hope we both can make this, we both can make it far,

I hope this memory and battle wound, would not leave a scar,

I have moved on from this broken pavement, I'm happy at last,

Hello my future, goodbye my past

2010-06-09T01:14:00.002+08:00

Feel This Gust Of Wind

by : naekole

I feel this arrogance and hatred, seeping into my skin,

I smell sweat and lust as it surpasses my every whim,

I shrivel up and pass out from death, as I close my eyes in,

And succumb to all my misery, and every one of my sins,

I hated you for hating me, for hating everyone I ever see,

I despised you, for despising me, for having friends other than me,

I crumbled in and crumbled out, of faith and hope for everything around,

As I fade slowly, deeply, madly without a sound,

I cripple away with my wounded back, and knives out from my throat,

This was not the kind of ending, anyone could ever wish or hope,

I surrender to hatred, and misery, swallow me whole,

As I curl up and die, as I pass out in this dying dark cold,

Ah!, but alas, there are alternatives to stay right,

Ah!, but alas, there are ways to not fade away from the light,

Ah!, but alas, there are things we can all share together,

Ah!, but alas, this isn't the way things are meant to last forever,

I cry in my sleep, I cry with my heart shut out from the world,

As this will be the last memory of this once happy and fixed little girl,

I shatter that dream now with a hammer and an axe,

And I wonder what the fuck in the world is going to happen next,

Shattered dreams and shattered bones, she cry naked on the floor,

As she hears nothing but the slamming of the broken fragile door,

She knows that all hope is lost, all faith is doom,

As she weeps gently in this dark cold, and broken room

So, hollywood whore, as Jacoby would amazingly put,

You are out of here, you cheap skank, you should,

Your plastic smile, and face and fashion, you're pathetic as hell,

Now vanish out of my face, well, you might as well,

Crawl back from the rock you came from, yes thats where i'll go,

Vanish back into the place where nobody but I know,

So farewell once again, I am vanishing from this ghastly world,

As once the happy, and unbroken, fixed little girl

2010-06-08T23:09:00.006+08:00

Hollywood Whore

by : naekole

I am drowning in this rain of blood that you spew all over my face,

I am choking in this air of putrid darkness that fall without taste,

I tear up by the fogs and smoke that seem to clog my sight,

I bid farewell to all this drama and hatred, for this I say goodnight,

I spasm as the bullets of the dark side swishes into my veins,

I fall gracefully down on the ground, as I surrender in vain,

I want not to give in to the suffering that you have shoved me so deep in,

As I lay dying on the ground, as you gradually walk away with your win,

I stand up slowly, with slit skins and blood tearing flesh,

I will remember the name and the faces of the ones who betrayed and punctured my vest,

I turn and walk away from this wasted waste land,

Slither away now into the desert dark night sand,

I drag my heavy feet away from this dark lonely scene,

As I repent and surrender to my friends, my companions, my fiends,

I shall not speak anymore, as I stitched up my eyes and lips,

As I bleed from my back all the way down to my fractured broken hips,

I succumb to my hole, that I now crawl back in,

I seriously start to wonder just how long has it been,

I shall not begin to mention how much I missed it so,

As I painfully watched all my enemies and friends go,

Hidden away from hurt, hidden away from hate,

Hidden away from the pollution that makes me suffocate,

I plunder in deeper, and dig into those days and time,

Back then when everyone perceived me as human, as perfectly fine,

I wither away now into the darkness, and into despair,

As I fall and sink deeper in, emotionally, mentally, I don't care,

As long as I get the taste of sweet misery one more time,

And hide away from the brightness, and where the sun does not shine,

So slither away fiends!, slither away traitors!,

Slither away misery!, slither away haters!,

Slither away friends!, slither away sanity!,

Slither away happiness!, slither away clarity!,

Now clog me up in isolation, and close up that hole,

And never once has it felt so good being in the dark and cold,

I believe now, whatever comes, whatever goes,

As the door to my exit and entrance is now forever close.

I shall close away from this beauty, that was once called masking.

And show you my true colors, of what I once was hiding.

Now goodbye to my self, and hello miserable me.

I guess this was how things were all meant to be.

2010-06-03T22:22:00.002+08:00

Cause You're A Cry, of Misery

by : naekole

You're but a simple cry of misery.

You walked out and left me to fall so deep down this rabbit hole, that I pass through time and space.

It's funny because this feeling is all oh so familiar.

I slip and feel this weight, as I fall down...down...down.

down.

the best part was as I fell, I grabbed you to fall with me.

You're falling down with me, and I can see the misery in your eyes.

They cry and die a little inside each day.

You're hurting as much as I am.

I am just so use to this, that I am numb to this pain you call misery.

Ah, the sweet smell of hatred, agony and despise.

The drama it will ignite along the way.

I found my tunnel out, and you're still falling down into that pot hole.

Nothing is more fun than watching the person who shoved you down, fall deeper into the rabbit hell hole.

Ah, I can just watch and smile in sweet delicious revenge.

Sucks doesn't it?

When I'm smiling although you're walking away.

When I'm smiling although you're still here.

When I'm just laughing at your fucking disgusting misery.

Although, I can never listen to Champagne Supernova/Use Somebody without breaking down.

It is a beautiful song, and it was a song that we shared.

Ah, those were sweet moments.

Moments engraved into my mind forever.

But those were amazing memories, and I will remember you for it.

However, forgive you for forsaking me?

Never.

So fall, you heartless bastard.

Fall.

down.

I am happy now.

What about you?

2010-05-28T01:40:00.002+08:00

You're Either DOA

by : naekole

With thy words so bitter,

and thy heart so cold,

she spoke the words,

with thy venomous soul,

with blood through thy veins,

so black and unreal,

with venoms so deadly,

and words with no feel,

with hatred so deep,

and jealously so strong,

tell me how can you survive,

in this cruel world long?,

so speak up now,

and sew up your lips,

cause i am not listening,

to anymore of your shits!,

you think i'll take your comments,

with a smile so grace,

you might as well just,

shove it back to your face!,

If i were to eat thy flesh,

and drink thy blood so sweet yet sour,

i couldnt even last for a minute,

cause i'd be pushing up flowers,

cause your blood that flows,

within thy flesh, thy veins,

was filled with venom by poison so deadly,

and to my heart it pains,

to tell the truth you spoke to truthly,

and to my heart so bitter and sore,

it was not only my spirit and love,

but to my kindness too, you tore.

2010-05-24T04:05:00.001+08:00

Cause This Is What I Feel

by: naekole

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love we've been workin on

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms

We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand

We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
My dear, we're slow dancin' in a burnin' room,
Burninl room, burnin' room
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

2010-05-23T00:52:00.002+08:00

Of Darkness and Hell

by : naekole

Under the crippled starry night, I hear the voices of Hell screech.

I stare into space realizing the cloak of darkness eating away at my existence.

Oh, the beauty of returning back into the hole that I left so long ago.

This is not right, this is not it, but this just feels so right.

The smell and taste of agony, lingering along my freshly healed wounds.

I taste it all, the pain and suffering of solitude, of seclusion, of loneliness.

Ah, I miss those days where I would quiver, write poetry and bleed.

I miss those days when I was never hurt and destroyed by the people I thought cared.

I remember the times where things were easier.

When people hated me for being the loser and quiet one, I was different they would whisper.

Yes, I was, and I hated succumbing to society.

What have I become, really?

I have surrendered to the agonizing reality, that I am a conformist.

Well, part of me actually is the conformist.

I am in denial, in agony, in logic and in anger.

I am all and all still me strangely, and yet, I believe I am more realistic than the rest of the fools I am made of.

I bleed by my waist, realizing I am but a whimpering fool, unable to control and protect myself from the agonizing truth that is my self-dignity.

Who am I?

Who am I to speak such rants of stupidity and unconnected lines?

I am the one who lived this entire week, and I am the one who is witnessing it.

Hilarious conversations, I am destroying myself, I am about to self-destruct.

It is going to be so much God damn fucking fun.

2010-05-17T22:19:00.001+08:00

We Are but Simple Raindrops

by : naekole

"we are all like raindrops, falling from the sky, eventually landing on this sand star and drying up from the heat of the sun. even if protected by a huge umbrella, we never know what tomorrow may bring. someday, we will be blown away by the wnd and absorbed into the sandy earth. we exist for all eternity and behold we are here and shall exist till the end of time for our beginning has no end. we are not god. not only are powers are limited, we are sometimes forced to turn to the devil himself."

Life is weird isnt it?

Everyone has a slight paranoid-ish emotion inside. It is fucking normal to feel that the world is against you once in awhile, or feel that everyone dislikes or mocks you behind your back. Ah, but when its continuous, its a disease.

Paranoia is disease that could lead to suicide. Paranoia, when you feel that everyone is manipulating one another to mock you behind your back, you tend to think that everyone is against you and that everyone is yes, "manipulating" one another, and you think they're all looking lowly upon you, making you feel inferior, but the truth is, it is you who looks lowly upon the world.

You think that the world has to time to come after you, to think that you are somewhat special and that the world revolves around you, and to the extend where everyone seeks to come after you. It is you, who looks lowly upon everyone, and thinking they are inferior to you.

To think that the world revolves around you to the extend where everyone wants to go out of their way to destroy your life. The world does not revolve around anyone, because the truth is, you are just another little creature in this sympathetic world, or a better example, a pimple on a virus's ass. Once you have gone, yes, you would be missed, but the fact is not for long.

You may be mourned and dearly missed , but the truth is , you will be forgotten.
That is life , and no one will be missed forever.

welcome to reality, bitches.

2010-05-17T21:42:00.003+08:00

Butterflies In The Sky

by : naekole

While they flutter into the dark demonic sky, the clouds engulf their wings and tear them away.

They devour their little bodies and spit them out onto the sandy earth, their corpse so bloody and crippled.

As they die slowly, suffering at the clutches of misery, they seem to wish to break free from the limitation of the sky.

They wanted to fly pass the boundaries of life and everything around them.

They wanted to be free.

Stupid little butterflies.

There is no freedom pass the dark grey demonic skies.

It is just an endless wave of grey dark gloomy hell.

It'll eat you no matter how far you fly, you're going to die.

Death, is inevitable.

You can't run from it, you'll surrender and succumb to hell's grasp.

2010-05-16T01:21:00.002+08:00

Hey, Do You Come Here Often?

by: naekole

Cause I'm about to come right now.

hahahahahahahahahhaa.

I have always wondered if there are people who still use those super duper cheesey lame pink up lines.

I mean, I have heard a few out of laughs, but I really wanna know, what is the worst you have heard.

I got a few that I wanna share with you, that I have heard, BEING USED.

OHMYGOD, LAME PICK-UP LINES

Did it hurt? When you fell down from heaven?

I'm Irish, wanna taste my lucky charms?

Do you like lollipops? Cause I'll take you to my candy shop.

I’m tired. You’re tired. Let’s sleep together!

Hey baby, you've got something on your butt: my eyes.

Remember my name. you'll be screaming it later.

Hahahaha, oh shit, these people are fucken hilarious.

Please give me your list of awesome pink up lines! :)

2010-05-11T00:47:00.002+08:00

I Hear The Sounds

by : naekole

Why would anyone, play music in a dark cold dirty tunnel?

Crowded by dirt, dust, clouds upon clouds of exhaust, chugging away at the murky dusty day.

Playing music, with the cars, driving pass, drowning the noise... why there?

It seemed orchestral.

The commotion, the calamity, and the sounds.

It eats up the noise, and drowns the drowned.

As eyes are closed, the sound of the cello eats away the sounds of the cars and motors.

You hear nothing but the applause from the wings of the pigeons.

They clap away, and fuel the sounds.

It seemed orchestral.

It is orchestral.

-Taken from "The Soloist" by Steve Lopez-

2010-05-10T01:26:00.003+08:00

Let Me Have You, For A Conversation

by : naekole

I have no one else to converse with.

I have no one else to consult.

I have no one else to talk with.

I have no one else to hold me.

I have no one else to make me feel, human.

I have no one else to laugh with.

I have no one else to be with, to make me feel happy.

I have no one else, but you...

my beloved Teddy.