#410.

1, 2, 3, 4, Pills that plant me to the floor.
by : naekole


Disregarding the words of others, I have felt this vast emptiness in my void of a life.
I feel this, stupidity, anger, hatred and self mutilation, and I feel I still can take a whole step further.
I stopped writing for almost a month, because I feel that I could do without.

Insanity strikes and I am no longer in control of anything.

Not trying to be master control, just trying to have a grasp on something.


Am I really in love?
Am I really in doubt?
Am I really lusting?
What is all this about?


I want to feel loved, and wishing to find it in someone that I barely know.

I want adventure, I want mystery,
I want something lost within me,
Blast, and find this fucking treasure,
And there lies await sexual pleasure.


Ah!, but enough is enough, the pills are kicking in.
Am tired of writing down all my fucking sin.

Rhyming is a gift, they say, they tell, they jest,
But it is just a way to get this shit out of my chest.

Bah, but enough is enough, again, the pills are taking a toll,
I wonder what mysterious wonderland is about to unfold.

I am eager, I can't wait, bring it on, oh strange mysterious pill,
Take me fucking far away, take me if you will.

Now pop and extra two, and sew those dead blood eyes shut,
And churn away, those drugs and alcohol deep inside your gut.

Now suffocate and foam, dream away mysterious child,
Walk into the forest of dreams, and the world fucking wild.

Now, no more slumbers for this lost, fucked up little girl,
And welcome to the drugged up wonderland of a world.



goodnight.

xx

There is no turning back.


I have gone this far, this distance, is where i will strive my hardest.
i wake up, naked and stripped from every single bit of dignity.
all self confidence sucked dry, and all belief slashed off.

all promises gone, and i've given up.


the world has judged me for everything that i may or may not be, but i am still standing here to prove to you, i am alive.
i try everyday to blame myself, and not you, because i gave every one of you shit heads the benefit of the doubt. cause i loved you.


i was wrong.

guess what?



fuck ALL of you.

xx

there is a firefly in my room.
it flies around so freely.

envious of its beauty, its freedom.
i cry at night and wonder, if it were you.

i wonder if it were you, floating around in the air.
disguised as something so beautiful, lighting the way.
you gave light to my way, my life, my future.



the firefly fell and died tonight.
the light goes dark today.


please dont light out and die on me.
please.

just give me one more day?



i miss you.
xx

i thought you promised.
we would grow old together?
i thought you promised.
you would hold on?
i thought you promised.
you would forever make me smile?
i thought you promised.
you would stay for a while?
i thought you promised.
you would never give up?
i thought you promised.
we would be happy?
i thought you promised.
that you love me?
i thought you promised.

to save me?



why.
did.
you.
let.
go.


xx

Cause I Almost Died Inside.
by : naekole


I had nearly given up writing, my only source of sanity, for the sake of those who watch and breathe my every move.
I've read tons of blogs, seen tons of writers, and all of them seemed so, flawed, so, disguised.

in reality, nobody wants to read an emo air head.
nobody wants to hear the rants of the broken heart, the cries of a suicidal maniac, and the screams of the mute.
they want the juicer pieces of life, they want the tasty sweat and tears of a high end princess/prince with the life that you fucking wish you had.



but that is never the case.

the happy isnt always the happiest, and sad isnt always the saddest i've seen.


im no writer, in fact, i rarely choose what i say.
i rarely filter them, and sugar coat them with ribbons and sprinkles.
im a hypocrite, a verbal diarrhea, spiraling into this wave of food poisoning.

i splurge the words of venom and hate, because i sincerely hate those who think life is ruined because of something so small and insignificant, like a strand of hair in their soup.



life is an obstacle, and the journey is fucking rough.

i nearly reached a dead end last night.

i called a suicide hotline...several suicide hotlines.

i begged for help.

i cried for help.

i spoke to them, and i realized, am i just like what i hate?
am i really making a big deal out of nothing?



i conclude, im not.
im just a stubborn ass who refuses to get help until its too late.




too many cuts have cried rivers of red.
i end this tonight.
xx

# For Shalini.

To Shalini, Because You Love This Post.

I shall end my blogging, with this piece.
Enjoy, love.

xx

Sometimes, people lie, they promise you forever.

But the amazing thing about that lie, you realize what you really want in life.

And because of that lie, you find, the true person you wanna spend forever with.

I now know, that you can never really experience love, without sadness.

And I have experienced sadness, to know, what I love.

Some people rather not risk the hurt, the sadness, the pain, to love.

But that's the beauty of love.

Love makes you feel emotions and pain that you can experience no other way.

Love makes you miss, want, yearn, obsess, and need the person.

At the same time, it makes you cry, hurt, agonize and hate the person.

Love goes both ways, and it can either destroy you, or make you the happiest you will ever be for the rest of your life.

Love is hideously beautiful.

Love is something I am willing to take the risk for.

And that's why, I love you.

xx